Alhamdulillah I have finished almost everything today. The takjil (light snack for breaking the fast) is ready, the room is tidy after a-two-day-titanic (well …. it’s a kind of because I cannot handle all things, but … ok) my son is sleeping tightly and I am writing for my blog now. One thing that is unavoidable is that I cannot teach today as the nanny’s regular asthma has attacked her since yesterday so she will be absent for maybe the next two days.
This is what a full time mother is supposed to be in my case I guess. There are things that should be put aside when family calls. It is especially when related to my son. Due to the nanny absence I need to be more tolerable to the messiness of the house and the piling up of dirty clothes. However, so far I have been able to tolerate my son’s creativity to ‘decorate’ the wall, the bed sheets, my umbrella well … every where he wants, the noise he makes since he likes to shout, scream, or talk loudly, and the time he demands from me because he always wants to be accompanied most of the time. Once I had to hold his stroller a half up side down for about a half an hour because he wanted to play with one of the wheels. And he did not want me to do anything except being beside him and accompanying him. When I took a book he shouted “Put down, put it down.” And the top of these is that I have to miss some of my classes.
It was stressful in the first place and sometimes I exploded. When he did not want to get down from my arms, I rather jerked his body or squeezed his arm a little bit. I did very gently and carefully however because I knew it was utterly wrong. His response was that he looked at me with disbelieve. I saw his eyes and as if he told me “How could you do that? What did I do?” Rumbling sometimes, I said to him, “Kanza, I need to do this and that … I haven’t finished with the lesson plan not to mention the lunch for your daddy …. bla bla bla … ” He was baffled and cried hearing my unusual high tone. From what I did he knew I was angry and I would feel extremely guilty and cried afterwards. Yes, I was tired and yes there were many things to do but I should not have done that. He was just a-two-year-old boy who does understand about mom being tired, unfinished deadlines and disheveled room. What he wants from us is nothing except our attention. Thanks to Allah who has sent me a very supportive, understanding, and helping hubby. He would willingly take over my son when he saw me exhausted, busy with my work or even sleepy. Thank you Ayah for everything.
So, I try to read articles about parenting, discussing with my hubby or chatting with friends to manage the stress because I do not want to miss the precious moments and I do not want him to remember my grumbling and my fierce face. I remember one article that I read. There was a sentence which is echoing in my head until now: ‘Our children deserve the best from us.’ My son deserves my best attention, love, and time. And it manifests in my daily encounters like when feeding him, playing with him or lullabying him. It is in every detailed moments with him. The key is patient and love. The word that is easy to say but … hard to do consistently.
In the end, I just be patient when the nanny does not come and the room becomes sooo … untidy, when my son expels the food I have put in his mouth or he does not like the food I cook. Relax, enjoy and learn.